Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
