So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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