You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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