How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
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I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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