my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
