dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
