somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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