i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
