I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
