My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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