I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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