I think I just saw someone hide a body.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
