she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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