Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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