So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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