Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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