I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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