Already got asked if we're dating
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm both gender and math confused
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
