If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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