I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
