shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
