I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
