We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
