i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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