please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
