I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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