i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
