I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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