That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
