I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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