Umm I'm too high to move.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
