I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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