why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
