I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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