From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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