i jhust puked up my retainher.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
