she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
