i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
