he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
