Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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