i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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