My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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