Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
