I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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