wrigley field is MILF paradise
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
