Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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