I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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