So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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