We're like a lot better than the average bears
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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