Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
