new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
