i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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