weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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