I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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