this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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