need another drink. this is the easiest way
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
