we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
