I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i will never coherently bang her
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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