woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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