I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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