my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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