the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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